#HARRISON CAN PROVIDE THIS YOU DUMBASS

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

brainwave is realizing Lonan is NOT the fallen angel (Harrison is)

[pandemicthestory]

1: introduced

The love story of a teenage girl trapped inside during the end of the world. Daily chapters during the coronavirus pandemic. 

Neon orange nails tap at a laptop, chatting with someone across the internet. This manicure is fresh, except no one has left their house in weeks, so we know she did it herself. 

ADMIN_E: just sent your essay back. Gonna be 300 bc of the works cited 

GUEST48: oh come on 

ADMIN_E: i need the money, and you have more money than you need

GUEST48: ugh pls just tell me this is gonna get me an A in AP US history, i need this grade to get into duke 

ADMIN_E: lol, you’re actually worried about getting into college?

GUEST48: uh yeah, aren’t u?

ADMIN_E: Sweetie the world is ending. Who the fuck cares

*buzz* 

She looks away from the computer and down at her cracked iPhone 7. Another thing she’d like the cash to upgrade. The bigger issue: it’s basically impossible to scam in peace with her group chat constantly blowing up. But what are your best friends for, if not to provide human contact during an infinite quarantine? 

Madison is a self-proclaimed burnout, who used to be the carefree athletic type until a soccer injury sent her spiraling into an emo-grunge moment. Zoe is probably going to run for president and also be a doctor at the same time, unless her weird senior boyfriend convinces her to leave on a weed farm (which he would totally do, wow Gabriel sucks). And Olivia is sort of the one who keeps everyone together, obsessed with being a friend. She’s the one who religiously decorates your locker on your birthday even if you insist that it’s not necessary and that actually you’d prefer if she didn’t because it’s embarrassing. That’s Olivia.

MADISON: holy shit did u hear 

OLIVIA: I was just about to text you guys. My mom just told me. R u ok?? 

ZOE: wait what’s going on?? wtf tell me rn !! 

*knock knock*

The bedroom door opens without waiting for an answer.

“Emma?”

Emma Bradford, a skinny 16-year-old wearing an oversized hoodie and boxers, slams her laptop shut with way too much force. Hopefully it isn’t broken, she’d have to find a different way to cheat the school system for money. 

“Mom, what happened to our deal? If we’re going to be stuck at home together, you have to pretend I’m AT school. As in don’t speak to me before 3:25 PM.”

“You can’t say I didn’t knock. I knocked.” 

“It’s not about knocking, it’s about--wait why are we even having a conversation? See you at dinner. Or not. Just go please.” 

Emma jams in her air pods and pulls up her hoodie over her head so you can’t see the top of her face. She’s used to hiding her identity, and even in quarantine, old habits die hard or whatever.

Mom sighs, she doesn’t want to be here either. Out of all her kids, Emma is the truly difficult one. The smart one who uses her brain for all the wrong reasons. And wow those nails are intense. Traffic cones. Kids these days. 

“I just came to tell you that...well we just got a phone call from the school district. It looks like classes are going to be canceled for the rest of the year. Zoom classes too. Everything. I’m sorry.”

Emma’s stomach drops. Canceled? Like, wait, canceled? Canceled. But...how will she earn hundreds of dollars doing writing assignments for her fellow dumbasses?

“Seriously? How is that possible?! Don’t I need like, an education and shit?”

“Government spending is affecting everyone in strange ways right now. And wait a second, I thought you’d be happy. You always tell me how much you hate high school.”

Mom raises an eyebrow. Emma hates that. If her mom starts digging around in her personal life again, she’s going to find some weird shit. Not just forged essays, but, well, let’s just leave that all buried for now. 

“I do hate school. And I don’t care if I never go back. But I do need some boundaries, so please get out.”

Her Mom closes the door. We can’t see, but that eyebrow is definitely still raised. Something’s up with Emma. Her mom just has no idea of what it is, or how big it’s about to get.

Emma examines the group chat, having missed over 80 texts since she last checked it five minutes ago. 

EMMA: i don’t have time to read all that but, school, right?

ZOE: How can this happen? I already have a prom dress and it was final sale!!

MADISON: u don’t HAVE to go to prom this year zo- when gabriel goes to school next year u guys will prob break up anyway and then you’ll be free to go to like 10 more proms w guys who haven’t been arrested

ZOE: He was not actually arrested and we are doing long distance we already discussed it! 

MADISON: you don’t think they’ll cancel prom do you? if i have to do prom over zoom i’m legit done 

EMMA: So, prom is what you’re all worried about?

A brief pause. 

OLIVIA: Well what are you worried about Em? Or aren’t you

EMMA: Oh well idk. I mean i’m not that worried

EMMA: I just mean like it could be worse

As soon as Emma sends this, she doesn’t know if she actually believes it. She doesn’t know what’s coming. 

ZOE: Sure, I guess...

MADISON: UR BEING RLY WEIRD EM 

EMMA: Ah you’re right sorry, it’s just a weird time. I love u guys btw 

Everyone sends their signature heart emoji. Zoe: pink with sparkles. Olivia: yellow. Madison: small red with red dot underneath. And Emma sends the black heart, because she really needs to start acting like her normal self as people are getting suspicious. Her best friends know almost everything about her. Almost. They don’t know about what she’s doing on the side, or what she plans to do with the money. 

Emma takes a deep breath and reopens the laptop. No school is going to be a problem. No school, no assignments, no college applications, which means: no income. And no income means no leaving...no running off with...him. 

Him, the eternal problem. Him who won’t get out of her head no matter how much she curses the day he was born. Him from that other school that’s annoyingly far yet still too close for her own good. Him who knows her favorite candle scent. Him who rests his hand in the space between her hip bone and her belly button. Him who lied. Him who was forgiven. 

Him. 

She stares at the interface of her ghostwriter page on the screen. This was good while it lasted. She’ll just need a new plan to get to Him. 

Emma is about to shut the computer when: 

*Ping* 

New Assignment.

What? Every student at Harrison Ford High School got the same announcement today that she did. School’s canceled. No more class, no more losing sleep over getting into Duke. What a random life goal. 

Seriously, what the hell could this be?

Emma clicks the link to open the new assignment, to learn that it isn’t a new assignment at all. It’s a drawing?  

Circular lines, deflated shapes encircling each other. Like oil in water. The picture could almost be, well it looks somewhat like...a map. Holy shit, this is a map.

The lines of the map are messy and hand drawn. As if someone made this in a rush. Or maybe they were confused about where the path leads. But underneath the twists and turns, there’s a note: 

before you run away, come find me

[hanorganaas]

So I am doing a bit of an emotional dump because these past few days have been an emotional roller coster and in a good way.  And I just need to let it all out so forgive me for the rambling

The fact I can finally say I am moving out to a community that could finally help me thrive I couldn’t at home and actually fit in with the people is just a wild concept for me, because I thought would be stuck in a house or thrown somewhere because my mom couldn’t handle the fact i was standing up to her where I had more control over me.

I am happy about this, and though my ADHD puts me on the opposite end of the spectrum I can still fit in with people of all levels, some who you cant even tell have developmental disabilities and have a group of caring friends who wont judge me for my little stims and quirks while still talking about Star Wars and Marvel which I hadnt had since College. 

Most of all. I admit I have so much Anger towards my mother, she provided but still said such horrible and emotionally abusive things to me which fucked me up beyond control. It didn’t help because she is definitely emotionally unwell so it was like Russian Roulette being around her because you had to be careful what you did and what you said, especially since she craved attention, to look good in front of her friends. But......I know how much hating a parent who has been mentally unwell, eats you alive because I done it with my Father.

My father was an alcoholic, also suffers from Bipolar. Last year he became Sober with my brother who became an Alcoholic at 26 because of the same demons he went through with my family. But because of the Alcoholism and untreated Bipolar, he was just as ignorant and hurtful, (he still a bit of a dumbass but is trying). I was angry he wasn’t there. I was angry he didn’t understand me. I ignored him for years. I hung up on him many times. But the anger was so corrosive, it made me sick and physically ill. But when he became Sober this year, and we went through the death of my Nanny, while there is still anger I need to sort out which he knows about, I started to be less hateful and started to hang out with him more, and though there are still things that annoy the fuck out of me, I have been enjoying his company as long as its in small doses, and you know what just taking away the hatred I had in my heart for him and being willing to accept him for who he is despite the turbulant past, was the best thing that I ever did. Not having that Hatred just took away the heaviness and the black cloud. 

When my mom is not stressed and not having her violent mood swings where you have to be nice to her or she mentally degrades you, I enjoy her company. She still thinks my fandom world is fucking nuts, but sometimes shes willing to engage and learn more, and we have good laughs and talks. Its when she calls me selfish, accuses me of things, tries to put thoughts in my head, is when this anger and this hatred comes out. And the fact I live, well soon lived, with it and having these episodes last for days, like she says shes okay but this afternoon she was freaking out about not getting me to one of the things in the program on time and then crying in the car out of no where on the way home. And just like with my dad this Anger has made me sick, coursing to my body, affecting me to the point where I am winded and my body is on fire. 

And you know what yes, some of the things she said and did to me makes her underserving of my love. But I dont want to hate her. Its going to continue a three generation vicious cycle that started with my grandma probably being bitter at her mother for the same thing mom is bitter her basically and is continuing with me and if I dont break it, its going to probably continue with my daughter, whenever i have her because i definitely want kids someday. 

I want nothing more to have that understanding I do with my father than I do with my mother.  I cannot fix what happened. I can’t fix her sickness and her inablity to cope healthily instead rip people apart cause she is unconfident. But I can learn to love her. If I could love Carrie Fisher who I mannifested as my mother figure because of the issues I had despite the fact Carrie had issues and demons and did some unsavory things because of it, then I could love my mother too. But the only way is I can do this is to do the same thing I did with my father, not live with her and see her in small doses. So I can enjoy her and not wonder how long its gonna last. And living away is finally going to take the last thing has been a terrible load on my back, that has affected how i react and see myself and made me so damn defensive. 

Thats why I am so happy about this. I know if I heal things with my mother, its going to heal in a lot of ways too. I may not heal from my anxiety and ADHD which is gonna be with me my whole life and I am okay with it, stanning Carrie Fisher that me that, but I am going to learn to accept my mother for who she is, I am going to learn that not everyone is going to scrutinize everything I do, or mock me. I am going  finally know what it means to thrive even though I live conditions that knock me down sometimes. 

And for that....for the first time in my life, I dont feel hopeless. Going back to school for Data Analytics finally showed me what I wanted to do with my life and knew that even if it takes long to follow my dreams, I know I have direction. Healing my relationship with my Dad gives me hope I can forgive my mom too and I will break the vicious cycle of hatred. Being in this Community gives me hope I will get that acceptance and being able to thrive.

Hell, if I managed to meet Carrie Fisher and had her tell me how awesome I am before we lost her, got all those beautiful times and probably more with Ming Na Wen the woman I aspire to be, and fucking randomly met Harrison Ford the man I stan to hell in airport when I had no plans for that for that to happen, theres ony good things on the horizion right?

Anyway if you read though this dump which I cried three damn times writing thank you and I thank you for letting me space out this dump